National Tell a Joke Day - Happy National Tell a Joke Day: 20 funny movies to make you laugh out loud, August 16 is National Tell a Joke Day. No joke! Despite a bad economy and high unemployment, today serves as an important reminder that we shouldn’t take life too seriously.
The Benefits of Laughter
Whether we watch a classic sitcom on TV, watch a funny flick or stop by our favorite comedy club, we all need to take a moment or two out of our busy and stress-filled lives and laugh. Besides making us feel good, laughing is also good for you! Studies suggest laughter may help prevent heart disease, arthritis and high blood pressure. It may even burn calories too! Just in case you don't know any great jokes, why not gather up the family, whip up a few sweet treats to eat and make it movie night with one or two of the hilarious movies listed below in honor of National Tell a Joke Day?
Famous Jokes - Did you know Aug. 16 is National Tell a Joke Day? To celebrate, we've compiled an eclectic list – from presidents to actors to Olympic athletes – of famous joke tellers. Can you guess who they are?
Self-deprecating celebrities
On his unconventional appearance:
"I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
Comedians-turned-actors From his early stand-up routine:
"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' The doctor says, 'Why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'We would. But we need the eggs.'"
Famous late comedians On the existence of bottled water:
"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
Jonas Brothers On the first daughters' love of the Jonas Brothers:
"Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming."
Olympic romances On her love life:
"Whatever actor is watching this – if you're single and you are hot, I am single as well. Hit me up after the Olympics."
American politics On the similarity between politics and prostitution:
"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
Osama bin Laden On the capture of Osama bin Laden:
"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn't have needles."
African-American actresses On a potential acting gig:
"They wanted me to play a maid who won the lottery ... but liked the family she worked for sooo much that she kept working for them. Are they crazy? Shoot, if I found out I won the lottery, I would leave in the middle of this joke!"
Tiger Woods On the Tiger Woods affairs scandal:
"ABC News is reporting that Tiger's wife, Elin, is planning to file for divorce – citing irreconcilable waitresses."
Comedians-turned-sitcom stars On exercise:
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
Katie Couric On anchor Katie Couric leaving CBS News:
"Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like 'Name a newspaper.'"
Top female tennis players On her powerful tennis stroke:
''I have a package at the door. If you guys want to buy my serve, you can get it. It's only a million dollars per bottle. They're available.''
Golden Globes On the difference between the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards:
"The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved."
Sarah Palin On Sarah Palin's abbreviated term as Alaska governor:
"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me 'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit.''
Famous books-turned-movies On books that became movies:
"You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading."
Funniest female comedians On being a female comedian:
"Men find funny women threatening. They ask me, 'Are you going to be funny in bed?'"
Super Bowl XXXVIII On the infamous Super Bowl incident:
"Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?"
Famous female politicians On the difference between male and female politicians:
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."
Academy Awards On the Academy Awards:
"Nothing takes the sting out of these tough economic times like watching a bunch of millionaires giving golden statues to each other."
Female presidential candidates On presidential candidacy rumors:
"Thank you and welcome to my announcement to run for president of Malta."
Famous Jokes On National Tell a Joke Day - Did you know Aug. 16 is National Tell a Joke Day? To celebrate, we've compiled an eclectic list – from presidents to actors to Olympic athletes – of famous joke tellers. Can you guess who they are?
Self-deprecating celebrities
On his unconventional appearance:
"I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
Comedians-turned-actors From his early stand-up routine:
"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' The doctor says, 'Why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'We would. But we need the eggs.'"
Famous late comedians On the existence of bottled water:
"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
Jonas Brothers On the first daughters' love of the Jonas Brothers:
"Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming."
Olympic romances On her love life:
"Whatever actor is watching this – if you're single and you are hot, I am single as well. Hit me up after the Olympics."
American politics On the similarity between politics and prostitution:
"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
Osama bin Laden On the capture of Osama bin Laden:
"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn't have needles."
African-American actresses On a potential acting gig:
"They wanted me to play a maid who won the lottery ... but liked the family she worked for sooo much that she kept working for them. Are they crazy? Shoot, if I found out I won the lottery, I would leave in the middle of this joke!"
Tiger Woods On the Tiger Woods affairs scandal:
"ABC News is reporting that Tiger's wife, Elin, is planning to file for divorce – citing irreconcilable waitresses."
Comedians-turned-sitcom stars On exercise:
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
Katie Couric On anchor Katie Couric leaving CBS News:
"Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like 'Name a newspaper.'"
Top female tennis players On her powerful tennis stroke:
''I have a package at the door. If you guys want to buy my serve, you can get it. It's only a million dollars per bottle. They're available.''
Golden Globes On the difference between the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards:
"The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved."
Sarah Palin On Sarah Palin's abbreviated term as Alaska governor:
"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me 'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit.''
Famous books-turned-movies On books that became movies:
"You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading."
Funniest female comedians On being a female comedian:
"Men find funny women threatening. They ask me, 'Are you going to be funny in bed?'"
Super Bowl XXXVIII On the infamous Super Bowl incident:
"Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?"
Famous female politicians On the difference between male and female politicians:
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."
Academy Awards On the Academy Awards:
"Nothing takes the sting out of these tough economic times like watching a bunch of millionaires giving golden statues to each other."
Female presidential candidates On presidential candidacy rumors:
"Thank you and welcome to my announcement to run for president of Malta."
Philadelphia Woman Free Lunches Fine - A Pennsylvania woman is being warned that she will have to pay a big fine if she continues to give free lunches to low-income children in her neighborhood. Angela Prattis says she donates her time to give away the food, which she says feeds about 60 kids a day. Town leaders, however, say Prattis is not allowed to give away free food – because she needs to get permission first.
A Pennsylvania woman who offers free lunch every day to low-income children in her neighborhood faces a $600-a-day fine next summer if she continues because she did not clear the food giveaway with township officials. Angela Prattis donates her time to distribute the meals -- supplied by the Archdiocese of Philadelphia -- and adheres to strict paperwork, like filling out weekly reports and being visited bi-weekly from a state worker,
"Angela saw it as a way to contribute to the community in a positive way," Anne Ayella, a member of the archdiocese, said. "There was nothing in it for her." Prattis laughed and said, "I don’t make a dime." Prattis lived in the township for three years. She reportedly distributes the meals to the 60 or so children at a gazebo on her property during the summer months, when children are home from school. The Delaware County Times reports that another resident alerted the council about the distribution a few weeks ago. The council investigated and ruled that the practice is not permitted without a variance, the paper reported. "You have houses here, the roofs are falling in, and they could be focused on a lot of more serious issues than me feeding children," she said. Chester Township, which has a per capita income of $19,000 a year, says Prattis lives in a residential zone, hence handing out food to children is not allowed. The township says she needs to go before a zoning board to ask for a variance, which would cost her up to $1,000 in administrative fees. "I don't think it's my responsibility to go to her to say, 'why don’t you come to talk to me to see if there’s something that we can do to help your program,'" William Pisarek, the Chester Township business manager, said. Prattis told The Delaware County Times that she is not going to stop feeding the children in the area.
Jean Claude Van Damme Affair - Jean-Claude Van Damme admitted this week to a 1994 affair with a famous singer. The pair apparently met on the set of a film and hit it off, Jean-Claude Van Damme has revealed he had an affair with Kylie Minogue on the set of 1994’s “Street Fighter” while he was still married.
While promoting his new flick “The Expendables 2,” the Muscles from Brussels confessed to The Guardian "I tell you what, you should ask her. She'll have a better memory. I'm 51 years old, do you know how much I was punched in the face on 'The Expendables?' No, no. No. And let's just say it happened, so what? Who wants to know? ... Sometimes you let go of stuff ... I don't know, maybe. Yes. OK. Yes, yes, yes. It happened. I was in Thailand, we had an affair." Going into perhaps too much detail, he continued, "Sweet kiss, beautiful lovemaking. It would be abnormal not to have had an affair, she's so beautiful and she was there in front of me every day with a beautiful smile, simpatico, so charming, she wasn't acting like a big star. I knew Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand. She's a great lady."
And according to Van Damme, who may have been married at the time of the affair, he simply found it too difficult to resist the singer's charms.
"I tell you what, you should ask her. She'll have a better memory. I'm 51 years old, do you know how much I was punched in the face on 'The Expendables'?" Van Damme told UK's The Guardian. "No, no. No. And let's just say it happened, so what? Who wants to know? "Sometimes you let go of stuff ... I don't know, maybe. Yes. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. It happened. I was in Thailand, we had an affair." The veteran action star was married to his third wife, Gladys Portugues, until 1992, but began an affair with actress Darcy LaPier and married her in February 1994. In the Guardian interview, Van Damme then went on to give an extremely detailed account of their brief fling. "Sweet kiss, beautiful love-making," he told the paper. "It would be abnormal not to have had an affair, she's so beautiful and she was there in front of me every day with a beautiful smile, simpatico, so charming, she wasn't acting like a big star. "I knew Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand. She's a great lady." It has long been rumored that the pair had an affair, but this is the first time that either has spoken out about it.
Ryan Lochte 90210 - Olympic swimmer Lochte, who just racked up five medals at the London games, will follow up his triumph at the Olympics with an appearance on the CW's "90210," CBS said on Tuesday. Lochte will cameo as a guest at a resort where Naomi Clark (AnnaLynne McCord) and Max Miller (Josh Zuckerman) are staying in an effort to strengthen their relationship.
Alas, Lochte won't be showing off his swimming skills during his appearance. "We only wish the episode was a surf event so we could have gotten him in the water, but he deserves a little rest on dry land," "90210" executive producers Patti Carr and Lara Olsen said of his cameo. Lochte expressed interest in competing on a reality series during an interview with "Today" host Matt Lauer last week. "I'm definitely looking towards 'Dancing With the Stars' and 'The Bachelor," he told Lauer.
WaveRider Experimental Jet - The Air Force is testing an experimental jet that flies at incredibly fast speeds and could cross the United States in 46 minutes. The jet is being launched from a base in California and tested over the Pacific Ocean.
A team of aerospace engineers at California's Edwards Air Force Base has been putting the finishing touches on a lightning-quick experimental aircraft designed to fly above the Pacific Ocean at 3,600 mph. A passenger aircraft traveling at that speed could fly from Los Angeles to New York in 46 minutes.
Since test pilot Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier in 1947, engineers and scientists have dreamed of ever-faster aircraft. Now, they face one of their toughest challenges yet: sustaining hypersonic flight — going five times the speed of sound or more — for more than a few minutes.
In a nondescript hangar at Edwards Air Force Base in California's Mojave Desert, a team of aerospace engineers has been putting the finishing touches on a lightning-quick experimental aircraft designed to fly above the Pacific Ocean at 3,600 mph. A passenger aircraft traveling at that speed could fly from Los Angeles to New York in 46 minutes.
On Tuesday, a key test is set for the unmanned experimental aircraft X-51A WaveRider. It will take the aircraft — attached to a B-52 bomber's wing — from Edwards to about 50,000 feet over the Pacific Ocean near Point Mugu. From there, its high-speed journey at Mach 6 is expected to last only five minutes, but that's twice as long as it's ever gone at that speed.
Aerospace engineers say that harnessing technology capable of sustaining hypersonic speeds is crucial to the next generation of missiles, military aircraft, spacecraft — and even passenger planes.
"Attaining sustained hypersonic flight is like going from propeller-driven aircraft to jet aircraft," said Robert Mercier, deputy for technology in the high-speed systems division at the Air Force Research Laboratory in Ohio.
"Since the Wright brothers, we have examined how to make aircraft better and faster. Hypersonic flight is one of those areas that is a potential frontier for aeronautics. I believe we're standing in the door waiting to go into that arena."
NASA and the Pentagon are financing three national centers across the country to study hypersonic flight. The Pentagon's research arm, known as the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, calls hypersonic flight "the new stealth" for its promise of evading and outrunning enemy fire. The effort to develop hypersonic engines is necessary because they can propel vehicles at a velocity that cannot be achieved from traditional turbine-powered jet engines.
The Pentagon believes that hypersonic missiles are the best way to hit a target in an hour or less. The only vehicle that the military currently has in its inventory with that kind of capability is the massive, nuclear-tipped intercontinental ballistic missile.
Other means of hitting a distant target, such as cruise missiles and long-range bomber planes, can take hours to reach their destination.
When pressed for an example of the need, military officials often point to a 1998 attack when the U.S. military tried — and failed — to kill Osama bin Laden. Navy vessels in the Arabian Sea lobbed cruise missiles at training camps in Afghanistan, hitting their targets — 80 minutes later. By then, bin Laden was gone.
But with a hypersonic missile, such as the technology being tested on the WaveRider, "the attack would have been cut to just over 12 minutes," Richard Hallion, a former Air Force senior adviser, said in an Air Force Association report about hypersonic technology.
The Pentagon itself is funding six major hypersonic technology programs. Over the past 10 years, the Pentagon said it spent as much as $2 billion on hypersonic technologies and supporting engineering. The WaveRider program is estimated to cost $140 million, according to Globalsecurity.org, a website for military policy research.
Yet the funding has turned up few positive results.
One of the more recent attempts was last August when DARPA carried out a test flight of an arrowhead-shaped unmanned aircraft, dubbed Falcon Hypersonic Technology Vehicle 2. It's designed to travel at 20 times the speed of sound. The launch had received worldwide attention and much fanfare, but minutes into the flight, searing high speeds caused portions of the Falcon's skin to peel from the aerostructure and the flight ended prematurely.
Engineers at Boeing's research center in Huntington Beach, Calif., and Pratt & Whitney Rocketdyne in Canoga Park, Calif., thought they were on the right track with the WaveRider program in May 2010 when the WaveRider made its first flight. In that flight, the WaveRider sped westward for about 143 seconds at 3,500 mph before plunging into the ocean as planned. But in June 2011 in another WaveRider flight, a lapse in airflow to the jet engine caused a premature shutdown. After the flight, Charlie Brink, the Air Force Research Laboratory's program manager, said the WaveRider attempted to restart but was unsuccessful. "Obviously we're disappointed and expected better results," he said at the time. "But we are very pleased with the data collected on this flight." Brink and his team try again on a test flight scheduled for Tuesday. The WaveRider will fall like a bomb for about four seconds over the Pacific before its booster rocket engine ignites and propels the nearly wingless aircraft for 30 seconds to about Mach 4.5, before being jettisoned. Then the cruiser's scramjet engine, notable because it has virtually no moving parts, ignites. The ignition sequence begins burning ethylene, transitioning over about 10 seconds to JP-7 jet fuel — the same fuel once used by the famed Lockheed-made SR-71 Blackbird spy plane. The WaveRider is expected to accelerate to about Mach 6 as it climbs to nearly 70,000 feet. After five minutes of flight, the WaveRider is set to break up after splashing into the Pacific, as planned. There are no plans to recover the WaveRider. The cruiser is designed to ride its own shock wave. That's how the X-51 earned the WaveRider nickname. "The X-51 is a technology feeder to larger, more sustained flight times," said Darryl Davis, president of Boeing Phantom Works, which built the cruiser. "The hope is to advance the state of the art." Dora Musielak, an adjunct professor of physics at the University of Texas at Arlington whose research focuses on high-speed propulsion, said aircraft like the WaveRider are crucial to commercial planes one day flying nonstop at high speeds from one side of the earth to the other. Other than the turbojet-powered Concorde retired in 2003, commercial transportation has not advanced beyond the speed of sound. "It is always a dream to see an airplane fly faster," Musielak said, noting that there's still an enormous amount of hypersonic-development work ahead. "Once the military proves out the concept, hypersonic transport becomes a step closer to reality."
Oslo Woman TV Skirt 42 Inches - A woman was arrested in Oslo on Thursday after walking out of a shopping centre with a 42-inch flat screen television between her legs. Police say they apprehended a Romanian woman in Olso, Norway, after she hid a giant TV under her skirt and tried to waddle out of a store. She allegedly told officers she had strong thigh muscles.
The woman, who was accompanied by a male companion, wandered out of the Elkjøp shopping centre in the Skøyen area of Oslo with the substantial item under her long flowing skirt. A witness alerted the police after spotting the cumbersome couple leaving the shopping centre at around 8pm on Thursday.
The woman was able to carry the widescreen television clasped between her legs and well hidden under her long skirt, to a nearby bus stop. The police however took up the chase and the pair were apprehended as their bus headed out of the city centre.
Oslo police reported that the incident was all in a day's work.
"It is not unusual that thieves put bits and bobs under their skirts or large sweaters," Tor Grøttom at Oslo police said.
