On his unconventional appearance:
"I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
From his early stand-up routine:
"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' The doctor says, 'Why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'We would. But we need the eggs.'"
On the existence of bottled water:
"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
On the first daughters' love of the Jonas Brothers:
"Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming."
On her love life:
"Whatever actor is watching this – if you're single and you are hot, I am single as well. Hit me up after the Olympics."
On the similarity between politics and prostitution:
"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
On the capture of Osama bin Laden:
"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn't have needles."
On a potential acting gig:
"They wanted me to play a maid who won the lottery ... but liked the family she worked for sooo much that she kept working for them. Are they crazy? Shoot, if I found out I won the lottery, I would leave in the middle of this joke!"
On the Tiger Woods affairs scandal:
"ABC News is reporting that Tiger's wife, Elin, is planning to file for divorce – citing irreconcilable waitresses."
On exercise:
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
On anchor Katie Couric leaving CBS News:
"Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like 'Name a newspaper.'"
On her powerful tennis stroke:
''I have a package at the door. If you guys want to buy my serve, you can get it. It's only a million dollars per bottle. They're available.''
On the difference between the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards:
"The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved."
On Sarah Palin's abbreviated term as Alaska governor:
"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me 'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit.''
On books that became movies:
"You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading."
On being a female comedian:
"Men find funny women threatening. They ask me, 'Are you going to be funny in bed?'"
On the infamous Super Bowl incident:
"Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?"
On the difference between male and female politicians:
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."
On the Academy Awards:
"Nothing takes the sting out of these tough economic times like watching a bunch of millionaires giving golden statues to each other."
On presidential candidacy rumors:
"Thank you and welcome to my announcement to run for president of Malta."
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