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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Famous Jokes



Famous Jokes - Did you know Aug. 16 is National Tell a Joke Day? To celebrate, we've compiled an eclectic list – from presidents to actors to Olympic athletes – of famous joke tellers. Can you guess who they are?

Self-deprecating celebrities

On his unconventional appearance:

"I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."

Comedians-turned-actors

From his early stand-up routine:

"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' The doctor says, 'Why don't you turn him in?' The guy says, 'We would. But we need the eggs.'"

Famous late comedians

On the existence of bottled water:

"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

Jonas Brothers

On the first daughters' love of the Jonas Brothers:

"Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming."

Olympic romances

On her love life:

"Whatever actor is watching this – if you're single and you are hot, I am single as well. Hit me up after the Olympics."

American politics

On the similarity between politics and prostitution:

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

Osama bin Laden

On the capture of Osama bin Laden:

"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn't have needles."

African-American actresses

On a potential acting gig:

"They wanted me to play a maid who won the lottery ... but liked the family she worked for sooo much that she kept working for them. Are they crazy? Shoot, if I found out I won the lottery, I would leave in the middle of this joke!"

Tiger Woods

On the Tiger Woods affairs scandal:

"ABC News is reporting that Tiger's wife, Elin, is planning to file for divorce – citing irreconcilable waitresses."

Comedians-turned-sitcom stars

On exercise:

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

Katie Couric

On anchor Katie Couric leaving CBS News:

"Katie was known best for asking those tough questions like 'Name a newspaper.'"

Top female tennis players

On her powerful tennis stroke:

''I have a package at the door. If you guys want to buy my serve, you can get it. It's only a million dollars per bottle. They're available.''

Golden Globes

On the difference between the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards:

"The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved."

Sarah Palin

On Sarah Palin's abbreviated term as Alaska governor:

"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me 'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit.''

Famous books-turned-movies

On books that became movies:

"You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading."

Funniest female comedians

On being a female comedian:

"Men find funny women threatening. They ask me, 'Are you going to be funny in bed?'"

Super Bowl XXXVIII

On the infamous Super Bowl incident:

"Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?"

Famous female politicians

On the difference between male and female politicians:

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman."

Academy Awards

On the Academy Awards:

"Nothing takes the sting out of these tough economic times like watching a bunch of millionaires giving golden statues to each other."

Female presidential candidates

On presidential candidacy rumors:

"Thank you and welcome to my announcement to run for president of Malta."

Famous Jokes Rating: 4.5 Diposkan Oleh: Tips SEO Youtube 2019

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